This is Where All Lies Stop.
CAUTION: LONG LETTER AHEAD.
You’re probably wondering why I am writing to you in paragraphs instead of having a conversation like a normal couple would. I decided that I am fed up with all the lies and manipulation. I have tried my best to understand why you’d keep lying to my face when I already know the truth. I had my doubts in the beginning of the relationship but it seemed normal. However, this is when it really started dawning on me that you are being untruthful - about many things.
It made sense now that you used to only call me randomly at your convenience, text me only at your convenience as well, and then taking too long to reply when I was able to reply to you a minute after. I would just remember how you are exactly like that when we’re together - randomly texting, keeping your phone locked, and being unavailable at certain times. That should’ve been my first clue. The red flag was waving right in front of me and I overlooked it. I should’ve stepped out that last night when I could. I should’ve left. If I could turn back time, I would never even look at you and greet “Good Morning” back.
I believe that I do not deserve to be treated like this dumb and gullible fool you think I am. What did I ever do to you to make me feel like this? I hope that every time you remember me, you will be haunted by the same feeling I get when the thought of you hurting me comes to mind - crushed and defeated. But yours will be filled with guilt and resentment for hurting someone innocent who has done nothing but adore and love you for what you are even when she didn’t want to in the first place.
I have thought about wishing you to wallow in pain, but you will be okay. You have your ways to get them girls around. Not sure how you’ve been doing this, but that is just diabolical and unnecessary.
I stayed with you to see how long you can keep up with this web of lies you started to create. Or maybe there’s a reasonable explanation behind all of it. But nope, nothing. I gave you more than enough chances to vindicate yourself but you chose to lie. From then on, nothing you said mattered because I wouldn’t know if it’s even true anymore. I wanted to end it right there and then during the call, but I don’t want you to keep lying to my face. And there’s this 1% chance of hope in me that you lied for a good reason and that you’re coming clean now since I singlehandedly caught you.
I am not looking for reasons to leave. In fact, I am looking for reasons to stay.
But I could not believe that I couldn’t find any and I end up finding the truth.
This has traumatized me more than anything that had ever happened in my life. Know that I will always be the person who never did you wrong but you chose to hurt so bad that it will forever be the reason why she never settle. Know that you will always be the reason for my biggest heartbreak/betrayal. And know that you will always be the guy who hurt the unsuspecting innocent girl who should know better.
I felt nothing and everything at the same time. I knew you were lying about who it was. It was proof that everything you say is either true or not. How can you be like this to me? What did I ever do to you to deserve being lied to?
Today, I am writing to you this letter because A.) You need to calm down on the lying and the gaslighting. You always mentioned how most Filipina girls are liars when it comes to relationships, but in this situation it is you who did everything you accuse my people with. You lie, and you keep convincing yourself that it is the truth. And B.) For now, I am done talking to you.
Because if I hear your voice, I will definitely chicken out and will not be able to tell you these things. Because I always believe you. I have always trusted you, so much, that it hurts to think that you broke it. I don’t just trust you, I truly loved you as well. You know how I know it’s true? Because even if it hurts so much, I do not hate you. I am just losing interest as I refuse to be lied to. I know how much I am worth and I know I do not deserve to be treated anything less.
I was oblivious of your intentions and I wasn’t looking to start anything with just any guy. I really thought you were going to be different. I wanted to believe it was going to be different and special. But boy was I wrong. I have never been hurt like this before, and I wish this feeling will never be felt by another honest woman out there. I might never pull through from the pain of doing this especially when I know there’s only like a tiny dot of a chance of recovering from this.
This cost me my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I haven’t been eating right since I found out that you’re a liar, I have been thinking about it nonstop, and at first I couldn’t even admit to God how sorry I am for doing things I shouldn’t. I feel embarrassed that I try to go and chase my own will. So I am left scrawny, stressed, and stoical. Fortunately for you, that’s not your problem. It’s mine, and I have been dealing with it alone.
What did I ever do to you to make me overthink like a crazy person?
I hope you heal from whatever you are going through and not hurt women like this. I am capable of forgiveness, but I am blocking you out of my life. I already forgave you for lying about this whole thing, but I just need to do this as I refuse to have a dishonest relationship. You’ve said it before, we can’t grow something if there’s no trust. And I cannot trust you. Not now, not ever.
I was just used and manipulated. You walk out of this unscathed, and I walk out of this an unfixable mess. Until then, I will not be at your beg and call. If you don’t care at all after this, even if it hurts, I wish you well.
I hope you know how much you’ve hurt someone who has never done anything wrong to you. Someone who never lied to you. Whose life is open, transparent, and free of lies and drama. I told you many times, I am that simple - I stick to one person, I mind my own business, I try to be a good person, I don’t cheat, I try to learn how to love someone who says he loves me also - the way he needs to be loved, even when it is outside of my comfort zone. I try to just be good enough. But I guess I wasn’t enough for you, am I? There has to be others as well? And you lie to my face even when I already caught you? How do you sleep at night knowing you hurt someone so pure and innocent?
All I know is that every single thing is a lie. I was used, feelings were played, faked, and I wasn’t taken seriously. I was gaslighted, manipulated, and was treated like a dumb person.
The mental stress this has given me for the past few months isn’t worth it anymore. I gave it a chance, and tried to understand why, but after many attempts and chances for you to come clean, I realized it is not worth it.
As much as it pains me to do this, I have to draw the line somewhere and make a clear boundary on things. Please know that I wanted to keep this relationship so bad that I had to suffer everyday since finding out knowing full well that you have kept lies from me and are probably still keeping some. If this is really the last time I am corresponding with you, then it is what it is. I will work on myself, and try to rebuild what has been utterly broken into tiny little pieces. I will work on getting my peace of mind back. And, I will have to convince myself that I am enough, perhaps not for you, but I am willing to just be enough for myself at least for now.
Know that I cried myself to sleep everyday since I found out, and that my heart breaks and sinks to my stomach every time I remember this and every time you do something that further proves your lies. I don’t think I can ever be with anyone after being betrayed like this. Truly, it hurts the most when it’s because of someone you value the most.
I hope you made it to the end of the letter. Know that it is long because I poured out my heart and soul in to writing this. And that I genuinely cared about you and loved you - I still do, but in a way that my heart gets stabbed every time I think about the truth that you are trying so hard to hide. And also know that I am not mad, I am just losing interest and energy to keep up with all the things you are hiding from me. It took me just now to send you this as I was hoping I am wrong. I wanted it to be you. But being with you feels unnecessarily dragging when I am always on the lookout for another potential lie.
Your best version might not be for me because it seems like I am not the person you are willing to be better for. Please know that I did have the purest intention and the purest heart for you, so I really didn’t lose anything - maybe you did.
💔